Thursday, 15 July 2010

The worst week ever. Dumped, beaten and a near fatal motorbike crash.


This is a small, jungle-clad waterfall cascading down from To Sae mountain. Unbelievably, this small piece of natural beauty is in the school grounds!

This small stream (klong in Thai) also flows through the school grounds. After a few days of rain this small tract of water can become quite a torrent.

This is a class of 55 * 13 year old girls. I have to teach them English which can prove almost impossible given the background noise they generate. However, they are a good laugh to be around as they are perpetually smiling (which can cheer you up on your worst days). Often, I feel somewhat like a crowd control steward.

If you need to wash your hands before lunch, you can do it in this trough.

This is the front of the school. I'm somehow reminded of Raffle's Hotel in Singapore. This used to be a girls only school but now we have boys too.

This is the food in the teacher's section of the canteen. This old lady is an oasis of calm in an otherwise chaotic school. I enjoy the peace in here.

Before you can eat, you have to buy some tokens from this lady. They come in denominations of 3, 5 and 10 baht as you can see. I think this is so the food 'disher-ooters' don't have to handle money.

This is where the 3000+ students eat. The noise levels in here have been compared to a Rolls-Royce jet engine testing lab - quite rightly too. Thai kids love to be noisy.

This is Dek-hui. I have been his scrabble coach in preparation for the Southern Thailand Schools English Program Competition. This year it was in Nakkon Si Tammarat.

These are some 18 year old kids taking their final few exams before they leave the cosiness of school for the drunkenness of University. The girl's uniforms at University are soooo hot. They have the skimpiest tight black skirts with figure hugging white blouses.


This was my local bar for a while in Rawai. I like the sign: "Shrek Bar: All ugly bastards welcome". Barry, a lad from County Durham, recently opened this place. He spent quite a sum of money on this project. It's always nice to hear his Geordie accent. Additionally, this bar has the best toilets in the whole of Thailand.

Here I am enjoying a nice glass of Tiger beer after a hard day's work. The handle to ring the bell behind me takes the form of a wooden penis. If you ring the bell you have to buy the whole bar a drink. From this photo it looks like I am, indeed, a dickhead!

This is the next door bar: 'DILLIGAF'. It's owned by a Geordie and an Aussie. I asked if 'Dilligaf' was some kind of Australian aboriginal term given its peculiarity. After been laughed at for a while I was informed it is an anacronym of "Does It Look Like I Give A F*ck". The lass between those two handsome fellows is Ying. She is Oy's friend and I bet you can't guess what she does for a living?


This is the Mission Hospital in Phuket Town. To get a work permit last year you only required a doctor to look at you and check you're breathing. In Trang this was free. However, here in Phuket we had to have an additional blood test to pointlessly check for only syphilis. This cost 300baht. Phuket is blatantly more expensive than the rest of Thailand. I have many examples but this is my favourite:

Trang: Haircut/wash from a nice young woman in an air con small salon = 50 baht.

Phuket: Haircut from a decrepit old man with Parkinson's in a sweltering hovel = 100 baht.

Here in Phuket everything is double the price but you don't earn double the salary.


Here she is: Oi. Two photographs of my latest love blunder. I'm beginning to lose count of my relationship failures out here in Asia.

We started going for sunset walks around Nai Harn Lake and along Rawai pier - hence the sports garb. We met on 9/5/10 and diverged dramatically on 10/7/10 managing a total of two months together. I shared her room for 3 weeks of those two months.

Here she is stretching on Rawai pier at sunset. The actual dumping came out of the blue for me. I'll try my best to describe the sequence of events leading up to the acrimonious split.

How I got dumped

There I was on Friday night enjoying a beer in Phuket Town with a couple of colleagues. I then headed to Asia bar in Rawai where Oi later joined me. Oi went somewhere else and I went to Good Time bar before heading to Laguna disco with a gay pal of mine. This is where things start to go pear-shaped. I was standing in the disco drinking a beer at about 4am. In walks Oi with a face like thunder. She walks up to me and starts punching me repeatedly in the face. I'm bruised and bleeding but I don't react to the assault. She takes a break to catch her breath and then continues delivering her jabs and uppercuts with ringed fingers.

I've had enough and I wrestle my way out of the disco. I walk home and find my bag is fully packed and has been thrown over the balcony. I check my pockets and see that Oi has somehow extracted the room key from my pocket. Now I get really mad and start kicking the door down. Once the door flies open I am surprised to see it's the room is empty.

Right door - wrong floor! Ooops.

The apartment manageress, on hearing the 'door-being-kicked-in' noise, decides to call the police. The police quickly arrive and encounter a drunk foreigner with a bruised and bleeding face. Sympathetically, he fines me 2500bt there and then! OUCH. Criminal damage you see.

I obviously don't have the cash. So I stumble to the nearest ATM to pay the copper who accompanied me. I then sup a can of Leo on the steps of Rawai's 7-11 and assess my situation.

Sitrep: Time, 0700. Location, Rawai 7-11. Status, Drunk, bruised, bleeding, homeless, escaped charges of criminal damage.

Decision: Finish beer, check battered bag and secure it to bike, drive to old room in Phuket Town, sleep.

For a 2 month romance Oi did pretty well out of it. She got a free TV, DVD player, table and chairs. She got her rent paid for 1 month + about 8000bt in cash and every meal free.

What did I get? Sex with a fit lass for a couple of months? Worth it? Hell yeah.
For everything else there's MasterCard.

I contacted Oi as I have some of her Thai books she mistakenly packed into my bag. She also kept my plastic cup which I stole in Surat Thani 3 years ago (it is sentimentally valuable). I asked why she started boxing me and she doesn't remember doing it........nice.

I also asked why we are finished? Because "YOU SPEEK ME NO GOOD".

Whatever the f*ck that means.

Thai birds? You have to love 'em.

Nai Harn

This is Nai Harn Lake. It's a nice 2km stroll around here in the evenings.

There is some amazingly opulent accommodation on Phuket but these shacks below probably offer the best value for money. 


This is Rawai pier. Many people enjoy fishing from the end in the evening. Just a random pic but can you notice the old Farang with the young Thai bird there? It's almost unavoidable in Phuket. Still, nice pier though.

A shot of some longtail boats moored near the sea gypsy village near Rawai. You can buy a bewildering array of shells here if that kind of thing floats your boat.

Nakkon Si Tammarat

On Sunday 11th July we had to be at the school for 0600. We were travelling to Thailand's south-eastern seaboard to Nakkon. My face still hurt and I hadn't slept much but I was glad of the activity as it took my mind off Oi.

Here's Rob preparing the kids for a 10 minute drama production. I get the feeling this bloke was born to be a teacher in Thailand. He's a natural.

Look at these outfits. We have Frogs, Queens and Princesses. What could the play have been about?

Once we'd arrived at the Grand Park Hotel on Sunday night we dived straight into party mode. Here we all are in my room that I shared with Californian Brett. I got ridiculously drunk this night and felt terrible the next day. I blamed it on my relationship breakdown.

A short-sleeved blazer. I did the naked blazer thing with no T-shirt underneath.

This is O from my old school in Trang. I caught him smoking in the carpark and attempted to get photographic evidence. Hopefully I could blackmail him in the foreseeable. However, he expertly hid the incriminating evidence! Little Bastard! He won the scrabble again as I'd predicted.

This is the main stage at Kalayanee School in Nakkon. There were bands and all kind of business up there but I didn't see much of it because, like everything else in Thailand, the noise was unbelievable. Amplifiers here have only one setting: MAX.

Friday nights

This is Derek, the PE teacher from my school. He's a genial Canadian who's been in Phuket Town for a few years now. He is married with a little girl and one more on the way. I get on with Derek very well and we like to go here for a Friday afternoon guzzle after work. I love this picture of him - although I hope her indoors never sees it.

It's almost 1500 Friday 16th July and we will shortly be going here again for some highly academic chat with these two lovelies.

Another crash

It's Tuesday morning and I'm sitting in the On On Hotel's internet cafe with very uncomfortable seats. I'm complaining about the seats because my whole body is aching after another motorbike mishap. I've been off work so far this week. Given the pain I'm in I don't know if I'll make it to school at all this week. I've been eating nurofen painkillers like smarties!

It was about 7pm Sunday night. I was riding from Khatu to Rawai. I was planning to eat some fresh seafood by the night sea. I was cruising in the fast lane at about 80km/hr about 1 km north of Chalong circle. That's when some penis-brain on a scooter decided to turn right. It would have been nice if he'd have indicated his intentions by using those flashy orange things. It would have been even nicer if he had looked over his shoulder to check nothing was coming from behind. Penis-brain did neither and swerved into the fast lane at walking speed. I was too close to avoid him and I ended up smashing into the back of him.

This is where time slowed down because I really thought I was going to die. I don't quite remember the initial impact as I was thrown forward. I do remember seeing masses of sparks from the crash bars as our bikes slid along the tarmac for a while. As everything ground to a halt I looked behind me and saw a trail of wreckage. I then looked at my bike and noticed the back wheel spinning crazily in the air. I was completely disorientated but the first thing I did as I struggled to my feet was switch both engines off. I couldn't move my left arm and therefore couldn't move the bikes from the road. Some bystanders helped with this as I stumbled to the safety of the roadside. I could hardly walk!

The other guy seemed OK and he drove off as if nothing had happened although he'd nearly been killed! I sat in a small bus stop thinking I'd broke my arm or shoulder as I couldn't move it an inch. I had blood all over my foot, thigh, groin and hands. The worst pain was my left shoulder.

I sat for an hour in total shock with my hands shaking uncontrollably. I looked at my bike and judged it undrivable. Even if it had of been mechanically sound I couldn't have driven it anyway given my useless left arm. I looked at my helmet and was astounded to see the damage incurred.

I truly believe I would not be writing this now had I not worn the helmet!

I still have a huge painful lump above my left eye but things could've been a lot worse.

I wanted to call my boss but my new phone hadn't survived the ordeal. It's battered and broken too.

Eventually a motorbike taxi guy drove me the 10km home in agony. I left my bike where it was. Even when someone is in severe trouble, Phuket taxi folk will still cheat Farangs. He charged me 300bt which even the girls who run my apartment agreed was ridiculous. He was not a jaidee kinda guy. The taxi wanker took total advantage of the situation. I hope karma repays him in kind. Nairn, the apartment girl went to get some pain killers for me. I took them and went to bed after swapping SIM cards so I could inform my boss of the incident.

I didn't sleep, merely tossing and turning in pain as it was impossible to find a comfortable position.

On Monday morning Gwan took me to school, the hospital and to collect the bike. She drove my bike back to Phuket Town very slowly as it's wrecked - I was surprised to see in the cold light of day that it could even be ridden at all. Taxi wanker guy assured me it couldn't be done, but then he was only interested in lining his own pockets. The concept of actually helping someone in need is probably an alien one to him. I drove her small scooter in agony as I sometimes had to use my left arm. We took it straight to the Honda garage where I was told it'll cost around 7000bt to repair. The most important parts are the front forks since the front suspension doesn't work. However there is plenty of other damage too.

This morning I have sourced three new books since I have nothing to do other than rest and read in bed. My left arm is still aching 40 hours after the incident.

I've had plenty time to dwell on how this month has been one of the worst for me financially, emotionally and physically. The local Thais have told me to go and see a monk in the temple! Perhaps I'll do that when I feel a bit more up to it. I am still very much in agony right now. I missing work and feel very bored. It's also difficult not having any loved ones around when things are like this!

In conclusion, this month I have been

1. Dumped

2. Beaten

3. Fined by the Police 2500

4. Paid for a room I didn't live in 3000

5. Lost a TV/DVD and furniture 4000

6. Wasted money donated to my ex 8000

7. Almost died in a horrific crash

8. Wrecked my motorbike 7000

9. Wrecked my phone after only 3 weeks 3000 (No pics for a while)

10. Sitting here typing this feeling both terrible pain combined with loneliness and boredom.

Come to Asia - it rocks!

I'm off to read and rest in bed. I should have my bike back by Friday although whether or not I'll have the balls to drive it is another matter. I'm really shaken up!

At least I have the other guy's number plate as a souvenir!

Moreover, I've acquired some new lingo.

Lom Rot - crash
pare - cuts and bruises
haa mor - see doctor
som - fix
jep mac - painful
ber a - bored

Patong Pussy Shows

By the way, the night before the crash, I went to Patong with my friend Miao. We went into Exotica gogo bar because it was selling beer at only 100bt and it might be a laugh. After watching a lesbian show (cool) we were treated to the spectacle of a 'pussy show'. Watching a small live bird emerge from a woman's vagina is not erotic. Same for live fish. She was squrting live fish into a small tank. Miao and I were almost sick! They could've warned us. So now I'm warning you.

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