Raunchy RoiEt. Irresistible Isaan.

Hill Tribe Village

We went to Wan's still electric-free village to celebrate a wedding. Were these kwai an ominous sign? A 16yo lass had married an 18yo lad. When I was 16 I couldn't tell 'me arse from me elbow' and things aren't much better 26 years later. Marriage? F*ck that.

A decade in Asia

10 years
I left England 10 years ago today. A whole decade. The 12th of June 2006 to the 12th of June 2016. My last sight of Blighty were the remote Shetland Isles slipping away on a bleak southern horizon. The ferry was making its way through the icy Atlantic to Torshavn - the capital of the Faroes Islands.

I was 32 back then. 42 now. I didn't intend to stay away this long, it just happened. The last decade has been a roller coaster ride through everything Asian. Let's take a peek through the murky telescope of history.

Upbeat Umphang

Umphang

is Thailand's largest district located in Tak Province. At 4,325km² it's larger than 26 of Thailand's 76 Provinces. It's about the same size as Isaan's Mukdahan Province. It's also the remotest area in Thailand with a population density of only 6 people/km². There's only one road in and out - the 1090 from Mae Sot. It's 164 km of motorbike porn with 1,219 curves through pristine wilderness.

Me and wor lass went there as part of a 4-night 1,400km Songkran loop. Twas mint.

No Electric - but it cometh.

Chiang Mai

The 21st March 2016 marked 7 full years in Thailand. I remember watching Fulham beat ManUre in a late-night coffee shop in Trang on that day in 2009. Little did I know I'd be destined to stay here in perpetuity. This pie chart shows where I've lived during the last 10 years in Asia. I've been in CM 2.5 years - the longest I've lived anywhere since leaving home at 17!

Phitsanulok Promise

New Year

This spherical lump of iron and rock we inhabit completed another arbitrary orbit of our local hydrogen-to-helium fusion reactor. Or, in English, 2015 turned to 2016. To mark the event I invested in 6 Bhutanese Ngultrum (£0.05). So far the Ngultrum has remained steady against Sterling but I'm expecting a sharp rise in the near future. However, I wouldn't rush out to buy Bhutanese currency based on my actions since my last financial blunder saw me hand over my life savings to Brendan Terrill, a thieving paedophile, currently locked up in London.

The meaning of life?

Birthday Boy

I turned 42 last month. This got me thinking about the meaning of life. Curiously, 42 is, in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, "The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything". However, this coincidence does nothing to demystify the nature of the Universe from my end.

Phayao Paradise

Work

I recently found myself teaching A Level Maths and Physics in a Chiang Mai High School. I like the students and they appear to be enjoying the material we're working through. We were the first class to get this dormant 40,000B oscilloscope working in addition to other intricate pieces of experimental beauty. It's just like doing a Royal Naval Engineering Apprenticeship again. Canny.

Bureaucracy and Bikes

Forms

Recently, I've struggled through a whole plethora of expat bureaucracy. It started with a one year visa extension which means I'm good until 10th June 2016 - exactly a decade after leaving Geordieland in June 2006. I reached the Ted-Shed in pitch black at 0400 only to find myself 12th in the queue. I got home at 1300. 9hrs is better than the 12hrs it took last time. I met two Jehovah's Witnesses from the USA (13th and 14th in the queue) who were fluent in Hmong!! I was glad of their company as they eased the passage of time which seems to stand still here.

Work.

Stats

This blog has received almost 90,000 visitors since its 2006 inception over 9 years ago. However, of the 166 posts written, the most popular one, by far, is about how I lost $250,000. Next, is one about soapy massages.

Nepal and The Himalayas.

It’s impossible to encapsulate the essence of Nepal in a single blog entry. However, with that been said, I’ll give it a go. Pour yourself a cup of tea, sit back and enjoy the ride.

Pre-Nepal Scrawl.

New Year

2015 began as 2014 ended. With a Sea-of-Leo marking our planet's insignificant orbital progress around an obscure fiery ball of hydrogen. The arbitrariness of our human-constructed time measurement system (seconds, minutes, hours etc) fascinates me - we still use Babylonian units of 60 from over 5000 years ago. I wonder what aliens would make of our celebrations marking this trivial celestial event?

Chiang Mai Marathon 2014. Northern Thailand Monster Motorcycle Loop.

2014

has been a tumultuous year. The most significant event, personally, was losing my life savings. $250,000 gone. Rich to poor in a breath. An early retirement dream that took two decades to build took only moments to unravel proving that entropy is alive and well in our lives.

Post-Financial Apocalypse.

Tragedy

Last month's post was the site's most popular receiving thousands of hits. It left me thinking: "People love tragedy." With that in mind, I still feel like I'm walking through the wreckage of a nuclear holocaust. The landscape is barren and there's no sign of life. However, there are glimmers of hope on the scarred horizon.

How I lost $250,000 with Centaur Litigation.

This month's tale shines a light on the darker side of humanity. It's a story of deception that led a foolish man to lose everything. A sequence of events showing how things are never as they seem.

Riding a Ducati in Chiang Mai.

In March 2015 I'll be trekking the Annapurna Circuit after blowing £250 on flights to Katmandhu. Nepal will be my first new country since Taiwan in August 2007.

Chiang Mai Birds, Booze, Bikes and Bullshit.

Birds

I've been dating recently but still haven't met the 'right' one. I'm beginning to think the 'right' one doesn't exist. As rare as unicorn shit. I'm not really sure why I'm bothering as I still have zero desire to relinquish my freedom.

Chiang Mai Soapy Massages

Soapy Heaven

I've covered many aspects of life in Thailand on this blog. However, one area I've always shied away from is the litany of sexual services available to single men. One of the ultimate experiences is to spend a couple of hours in a bath with a beautiful young lady.

Dobers in Tobers

1996 was a good year. England hosted Euro96 and reached the semis. Gazza's volley shut the Jocks up. The Spice Girls were telling us what they wanted while Robbie Williams divorced Take That. Foot and Mouth ravaged the British countryside and Newcastle United narrowly missed the EPL title. That was all background noise as, in May of that year, I embarked on a great adventure.

Chiang Mai Earthquakes and Coups. Nan Loop.

Nan Loop

I finally had the pleasure of cruising through Nan Province. This 980km loop took three days. These maps both show 980km. Thailand is bigger than people think.

Chiang Mai Football Club, Half Marathons, Freedom and Self-actualisation.

What's the most important thing in life?

A subjective question. There's no right or wrong answer and every person has their own view. Possible responses might include: family, friends, wealth, home, job, health, religion or sports. I'd never considered this question before but after some introspection I reached the conclusion that FREEDOM is my answer. Not the Mel-Gibson-in-Braveheart kind but the bird kind. The freedom to spread your wings and just go. The freedom to set and pursue goals. Geographical freedom. Financial freedom.

Learning Thai and Motorbiking in Chiang Mai

Chiang Mai

I was born and raised in the English county of Northumberland. With an area of 5,013 km2 it's England's sixth largest and with a population of only 316,000 it's the most sparsely populated. Situated in the extreme north of England it's one of the most beautiful.

Cambodia

Update

I'm back in Chiang Mai after 25 days in Cambodia. It's great to be back in Thailand. I had to go to Cambodia to obtain an Education Visa to facilitate my study of the Thai language over the next year.

New Year bike tours in Northern Thailand

Retirement = Freedom

I retired six months ago and it's wonderful. Now that I've embraced the concept I can appreciate what true freedom is. I love not having to sell my time. Time on earth is precious and we can't buy it back when we're old. Luckily, I'm free to indulge my whims anywhere anytime. Magic. With this in mind I turned down two full-time job offers teaching maths in Chaing Mai. It's glorious sitting in interviews knowing you don't need the position. Liberating.

Chaing Mai motorbike trips

I've lived in Chiang Mai for a month already - time flies! During that time I've been on numerous motorbike trips.

Green is the 90km Sameong loop. I've done it twice as it offers a convenient escape into the surrounding countryside. This 3hr route provides great scenery along with roads as seductive as a Bangkok gogo dancer. You can observe families of elephants with their Mahouts (from the Karen tribe) while you slurp cappuccinos in a fancy restaurant.

Embracing minimalism and early retirement in Chiang Mai.

Old?

It's only five days until I'm 40. Seeing as the life expectancy for a Thai male is 71, it's safe to assume I've slid half-way down life's mortal coil. Rather than morbidly looking to the future, I'll take a quick introspective peek down my murky telescope of history.

Life started charting its own course when I left home to join the Royal Navy at the tender age of 17. By 20 I was serving on HMS Coventry in the Adriatic Sea as part of a UN force during the Bosnian war. At 23 I had completed submarine training and joined HMS Victorious - one of the UK's four nuclear deterrent submarines. I left the Royal Navy at 27 to pursue a BSc(Hons) with the Open University followed by an MSc at Newcastle University. At 32 I made what I regard to be the best decision of my life and I left the UK!

Journey's end, Chiang Mai bliss.

I retired four months ago and I've been in a state of constant flux ever since. I've ridden my motorbike almost 11000km around three Southeast Asian countries before finally arriving and deciding to settle in Chiang Mai.

I last wrote from Vang Vieng, Laos. I was on my way to Vientiene to resume work as a GCSE/A level maths teacher in an International School. I found the school on Sunday 29th September and was due to start the following Tuesday. After meeting the boss and touring the school I went to buy some suitable attire that evening. As I was about to purchase some shirts I had a major panic attack.

Only three months previously I'd thrown away all my work clothes in a state of ecstasy. Did I really want to re-enter the drudgery of paid work again? Did I really want to get up at 0630 every morning and wear the worker-drone uniform? No, I certainly did not!

I returned the suffocating prison garments to the rack and promptly returned to my room where I wrote an apologetic letter to the Head. I felt bad letting him down but I had decided it was better to remain retired. There were also some other issues, one being the low salary despite Laos' higher cost of living compared to Thailand.

Singapore to China on a Honda CBR250.

I'm sitting in Vang Vieng, Laos trying to reconcile what I've done over the last three months. The month of September 2013 in particular has been one of the fullest of my life. I’ve biked through three countries from the southern tip of Eurasia (Singapore) to the Chinese border with Laos. Since I left Bangkok in early July I've covered almost 10,000km on my trusty Honda CBR 250cc. The equivalent of Newcastle to Katmandhu. What a bike. It’s handled the smooth highways of Malaysia as well as the off road mud baths of Northern Laos – what a great all rounder. However, I don’t think the poor fellow was cut out for the Laos off roading (along with the rider).

I'm sat drinking a Lao coffee, deriving inspiration from the surrounding karst mountains as I compose this drivel. The problem is: far too much has happened. I have had to omit a wealth of information to prevent this entry becoming too novel-like.

The last time I was in Laos was May 2007. Back then there was one ATM in the whole country. Now every town seems to boast a functioning ATM.

However, progress remains slow in one of the few remaining bastions of communism. Life in the remote villages is as it has always been: living off the land with no modern conveniences. A truly remarkable journey through remote Northern Laos has been challenging, exhausting but rewarding.

During my last four and a half years in Thailand I always considered it a developed nation. True it has some way to go in some areas but riding through Thailand you could be mistaken for thinking you were in Europe. In many ways Thailand exceeds Europe in the provision of services. However, Laos is a different kettle of fish. In remote Laos you really feel that you are in the so-called third world. There are few restaurants and when you do find one you'll find the basic dishes double the price of neighbouring Thailand.

You can't help but feel for the hill tribe folk still living in bamboo shacks up high in the mountains. No hospitals, electricity or such like for these people. I had only been in Laos a few hours when I saw a lad with two rat-esque animals hanging off each end of a pole. Obviously, he'd just returned from a hunting trip. Anyway, on with the story:

Epic Malaysian Bike Tour

I left the UK in June 2006. Four months later I arrived in Chiang Mai after touring the Eastern Himalayas. Apart from a nine month stint in Taiwan I've been in ASEAN countries ever since. Little did I know that I would fall in love with the region and end up staying here, thus derailing my travels to Australasia and South America. However, I have no regrets and see myself staying here indefinitely. I sincerely believe nowhere is as good as here.

Since leaving Bangkok I've travelled 5400km. The last week has seen me ride 2000km from the Cameron Highlands to Langkawi Island via Singapore.

I have a new mission as I accepted a job in Laos as a IGCSE/A level Maths Teacher. It starts on the 1st of October so I have 23 days to get from Langkawi to Vientiene. Motorbikes can't cross the Mekong River via the Nong Khai bridge so I'll enter Laos via Chiang Kong (near Chaing Rai). This means I can tour the North of Thailand again - excellent!

I have accepted this position as I see it as an excellent opportunity to experience life in sedate Laos for a while. My retirement only lasted 3 months but will resume on completion of this contract (unless I love it there)! The plan is 5 more days on Langkawi Island (after only 45 days of a 90 day visa which is disappointing), a 15 day tour through Northern Thailand, a 30 day tourist visa for Laos and a ride to Luang Namtha and the Laos/Chinese border before heading to Vientiene to start work at Panyathip International School. The pay is less generous than Bangkok but I'm relishing the opportunity to teach in the communist country's second-best (allegedly) school!!

Malaysia on a 'real' shoestring.

Budget

I've read a few of those 'travel on a shoestring' guidebooks and I'm here to tell you they're bollicks. How do I know they're bollicks? Because I've just done my August budget and I've spent way less than these books claim. Without even trying I've spent under 1700RM for the entire month of August. 1700RM = £340 = $527. Or about £11/day.

I've spent 12 days in Penang and 19 days in the Cameron Highlands. I've been on some excellent motorbike adventures and enjoyed some fantastic treks. I've eaten like a King and managed to get my weight up to a healthy 74kg. The £340 includes rooms, food, fuel for the bike, bike insurance and some minor items of clothing. Things it didn't include were beer, cigarettes and Thai women of the night.

Nippon Nymphomaniacs

July 2006.

I’d travelled from England to Japan by land and sea. An audacious two month odyssey across the Old World had brought me to the mysterious Orient. Only the vast Pacific Ocean stretched beyond. I was sitting in K’s Guesthouse, Hiroshima, contemplating the horrors I’d just seen at the ironically-named Hiroshima Peace Museum. Gloomily, I was worrying about the future of humanity in this age of nuclear proliferation.

My focus quickly shifted as a woman entered the hostel. She strode confidently towards her room dressed in baggy outdoor attire. Mid-twenties, 150cm, 48kg was my snap assessment – perfect! She had wavy, jet-black, shoulder-length hair that framed a face dominated by a pair of round spectacles. The glasses accentuated her dark almond-shaped eyes. Beautiful, captivating eyes. She looked intelligent, exotic, rugged and sensual all at the same time.